My Day in 10 Random Thoughts or Less (But Probably 10).

10. Why on Earth did I get a membership form and CARDS, FOR GOD'S SAKE, CARDS! for AARP? Why? I know I'm currently unemployed and thus frequently wondering where my next cheap cup of coffee is going to come from, and I'm also no longer a student and don't have that fabulous discount benefit any longer (although MSU student ID cards have no expiration date...tee-hee), but really? AARP? Whose sick, hilarious joke was this? I just turned 28 a few weeks ago. 28! You know how people say they have socks and underwear and other random and embarrassing forms of undergarment that are older than so and so and such and such? Well, AARP, I have socks younger than the piece of paper on which you printed my membership application. Riddle me that!

9. Why is everyone in such a tizzy about Chelsea Clinton's wedding? Her father was only sort of President and that was over 10 years ago, right? I don't recall this much interest in Jenna Bush's nuptials and she was a.) more recently a First Daughter and b.) kind of a walking shit-show during her father's duration as our nation's leader, while Chelsea was relatively boring and achingly toothy. However, I must say I can kind of see the appeal for her future hubby in that Bill Clinton seems like he'd be a positively bad-ass father-in-law. One of those that would take you out to upscale lounges to sip a few fingers of Johnny Walker Blue Label after a fight over finances with his little girl. Which would *almost* make up for having Hillary Rodham Clinton as your mother-in-law. [Shudder].

8. Is everyone around me really a Russian spy? Seriously. This movie makes me distrust a.) anyone who is almost inhumanly attractive (see above) and b.) anyone else for that matter. Plus, movies like this make me wonder what films the president sees for his own entertainment, since all of the coolest movies involves terrorism, plots to kill the president, or both, and I'm sure that pretty much sucks out any potential viewing pleasure for the sitting Commander in Chief. Sucks for him, of course, since those, of course, are usually the best movies ( i.e. Air Force Once, JFK, Die Hard). By my calculations, that means the poor president is left with swill like Step Up To The Streets and Bride Wars, since that's basically all that's left. I think I have new perspective on why our nation is in shambles. Which I won't expound on, since I am fairly certain my computer is wiretapped.

7. No pun intended, but is just about everyone and their mom pregnant these days? I know that the occurrence of visible buns in the ovens increases around this time of year, as everyone was busy knocking boots about 4-8 months ago in a feeble attempt to stay warm and entertained. But Holy hell, women be pregnant lately. Hmm...I wonder if this latest surge in pregnancies is related to a plot to create a united band of Russian spies and vigilantes who will finally succeed in making Russia the political and financial powerhouse she alw- nevermind. On a lighter note, how sweet is the anatomical accuracy of this Barbie doll? I mean, the baby is upside down and everything.

6. This actually happened. Yes, this is in fact the "cast" of Jersey Shore ringing the opening bell at the NYSE a few days ago. And we wonder why everybody hates us, America. Of course, we see the inevitable connection. Viacom owns MTV and, thus by default, this motley crew of tans and hair poofs and the deceptively human-like wax figures to which they're attached. This amuses me almost as much as that time years ago when Britney Spears said on some late-night talk show that as Americans, it is our job to put blind faith in our president and trust every decision he/she makes without remark or question (although mark my words, she didn't phrase is quite in that manner; there had to be a "y'all" or a "cheetos" in there somewhere). Which leads me to my next random thought...

5. Snooki was arrested today for public intoxication, which is odd to me, because I wouldn't even begin to know how to detect drunkenness in an Oompa Loompa/ muppet hybrid creature. Does it just make some odd gurgling noise and begin to shed uncontrollably? Does it turn an even orangier shade of orange? Does it begin acting wildly out of character by donning cashmere turtlenecks and refusing sex with men whose names end in "-ezzi," "-anni," and "-olo"? Hmph.

4. Since this posting might seem oddly riddled with anti-American sentiments (I just sort of noticed this and swear it is purely incidental and for comedic purposes only), I need to share just one small thing that is currently right with this country. And there he is. [Swoon].

3. Now, lets discuss something perfectly fun and American: Mexican food, namely fajitas. I had these for dinner tonight with my friend Julie at a corporate establishment for which I was formerly employed and wish not to mention, on her recommendation. This is after many unnecessary minutes spent picking apart the menu for anything not covered in any combination of cheese, bacon, and a breaded coating, yet refusing to settle for a simple, undressed salad. Guess what chicken fajitas are when you skip the flour tortillas? They're a sizzling plate of grilled chicken and vegetables, and they're out of this world. This is a great suggestion for would-be healthy eaters looking for creative ideas that don't involve a bajillion modifications and saying "on the side" more times than Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally. What's nice about fajitas is that all the fixings already come on the side, so you can dip your fork in a bit of heart-healthy guacamole before spearing a slice of chicken for an added flavor punch, and skip the cheese if you just don't find it necessary (which tonight, I did not). Word to Julie for this fabulous recommendation. The worst thing about this meal was the bit of oil in which the meat and veggies were sauteed, and most of that was left on the plate anyway. I didn't even finish my meal and was thoroughly stuffed and satisfied.

2. This. Okay, before you think I'm a closet lesbian or now suddenly blond and a DD cup, I must tell you that this is the "bikini teacher" and I found this picture after conducting a Google Image search for "teaching job," since this list of my random thoughts for the day would be seriously inadequate without mention of the one thing I've thought about every day since, oh, May. Yes, THIS was the fourth result that came up on a Google Image search for "teaching job." I just ask that before you close this page to go elsewhere and verify the veracity of what I've just said (and I assure you, it is very much verace), you finish reading this posting. On a side note, maybe this is why I have yet to find a teaching job.

1. This is actually the first result of a Google Image result for "teaching job," which you probably already know because you probably opened a new window after reading number 2 and did the search yourself just to verify the veracity of what I said about that picture (totally verace, right?) But I must end on a serious note. Yes, I thought of teaching jobs today. It was a resplendent day filled with sleeping late, reading, an hour-long phone call with my mother, grocery shopping and the subsequent individual packaging of fourteen enormous chicken breasts purchased at $1.99 a pound, and ending with dinner and a movie with a good friend. And yet, I still thought about teaching jobs. If this photo is any indication, "bikini teacher" is irrelevant and I actually have yet to find the "teaching job of [my] dreams" because I have not read this snazzy book/pamphlet/leaflet which was apparently penned in crayon by either Picasso or a first-grader. Go figure. I can only imagine what is contained in this previously untapped resource:

Chapter 1: "Candy and Balloons and Strippers: How to Win Over The Finickiest Of Principals."

Ten Overrused Cliches/Proverbs/Platitudes By Which I Will Attempt To Live My Life

10. "Live every day like it's your last." Wise words, especially for someone who is currently unemployed and struggling to retain hope that she won't remain so for the entire upcoming school year. It's easy to get wrapped up in the issues that cause you the most stress and concern, but I will attempt to make every day...every monotonous, just-like-the-last day, important and significant for some reason. I will make each day count.

9. "Do unto others as you'd have done to you." I'm not at all a nasty person by nature, but I've noticed I've become unusually snarky and un-Christian in my comments regarding strangers and celebrities lately. It's not in the big things, but the little ones, like blaring my horn at the guy who cut me off - twice - while I was on my way home from the gym today. Upon further thought, I figured out the guy was probably unfamiliar with the area and confused about where he was going (judging by his slow speed). Sure, he was in the wrong for his less-than-stellar driving skills, but my blaring the horn didn't help him at all, did it? And it didn't help me one iota, either. If he was lost and confused, I just made everything worse. And in his shoes, I wouldn't have appreciated the hair-raising blare of my horn.

8. "Pick your battles." My husband and I are perfectly matched in that we're very similar in most ways, and the ways in which we differ, we create a nice, workable balance. We both talk louder when we debate issues. We're both creative and extroverted. We both love being outdoors as much as we love being indoors. We both like a wide range of movies and music. However, he likes cooking more than I do - which is great, because he cooks and then I clean the kitchen by my own standards (which rank on a totally separate scale than his). He gets easily heated, I remain calm. He's a planner (by profession and otherwise) and I'm flexible and open. He's an optimist, I'm a pragmatist. However, we have one thing very unfortunately in common - we're as stubborn as a pair of donkeys (mules are just too small to fit this analogy). We don't argue often, but we can have 5-10 minute spats on things that don't deserve nearly the amount of significance we grant them - namely things like what to have for dinner, how many WW points are in a food item, and what movie to go see. And for what? Neither of us ever wins...we both have our say until we feel like crap for how we mouthed off and inevitably apologize. By following the advice in the above-mentioned platitude, we could spend a lot less time sparring over food and more time consuming it. PS - I'm usually right about the WW points; he underestimates. ;-)

7. "What's meant to be will be." I say this a lot in regards to the job issue (or more specifically, someone else getting one that I wanted), but only recently have I begun to see the truth in it. Looking back on my life, I can't think of a single event or decision or circumstance that I would change if given the chance, even though many times I've been disappointed about the outcome of things immediately after they've happened. In the end, things really do seem to have a way of working themselves out, and I just have to keep that in mind as I truck my way through applications that harbor no responses and interviews that harbor no job offers.

6. "The best things in life aren't things." It's true. The best things in life are as follows: love, family, friendship, God, sunshine, cats, dogs, discounts, and sushi. Well, okay. SOME of the best things are things.

5. "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." Keep it in your head and smile wickedly to yourself. When someone asks what's up with you, say you're just gassy.

4. "Make new friends, but keep the old." I've been fostering a lot of great new friendships in recent months, which is great! Yay me! I can't, though, fully relish in the feeling of my posse growing, because of one thing. I'm horrible - HORRIBLE - at keeping touch with people who are far away, since I'm not much of a phone or e-mail person when it's not for business purposes. I'd rather sit face to face and engage in conversations complete with eye contact, double entendres, hand-talking, and roaring laughter than tap out a mindless, one-sided e-mail. But, um, duh. Who wouldn't? How selfish of me. Furthermore, having grown up and spent 25 years roughly 800 miles from where I am now, I need to get it through my thick skull that the people who I care about, who care about me, want to hear from me and want whatever contact they can get from me, electronic or otherwise. All it takes is a few months of no phone calls, no cards, no-emails to make most people feel as if you don't care. I don't want to let any old friendships fall by the wayside. If you're reading this - and you know who you are - I do care. I promise.

3. "You never know what you can do until you try." This deals mainly with my newly acquired fitness pursuits. I am in the best shape of my life, and doing things I never thought physically possible. Yet I still hold stubbornly onto one irrational fear - running. I am terrified, to death, of running. I jog for shreds of time, I elliptical until my legs feel ready to detach from my hips, and I do just about everything else. Why am I so scared to run? Beats me, but I better figure it out before August 21st, the date of my first 5K. My goal? Run the whole thing...no walking or jogging. It's lofty, I know, but I feel the only way to get over my fear is to tackle it head on (oh look! Another platitude!). Plus, it'll make great practice for the full marathon I've already committed to running in Tennessee next April. I start training for the 5K after our camping trip. Wish me luck. :)

2. "No regrets." This one is tough for me, especially the part of me who likes to overanalyze every detail, each possibility, sucking every ounce of spontaneous enjoyment out of each decision until the whole thing lays limp and deflated in my memory. I regret drinking because it leads to hangovers. I regret pizza and cheeseburgers because they lead to gas and weight gain. I regret spending money because it (curiously) leads to having less. But for what? I don't ever drink enough to do something totally crazy, like grab the ass of an old man. I don't eat enough pizza or cheeseburgers to make much of a difference on the scale the next day. And as for spending money, Jim says I'm a dream wife (i.e. an afternoon spent strolling all of my favorite stores at Eastwood Towne Center and I leave with only a $25 pair of clearance capri pants from J. Crew that coordinate well with most everything in my clearance-and-outlet-filled closet). What's the point of regret? It defeats the purpose of making fun, impulsive and often selfish decisions - which I firmly believe everyone should do once in awhile.

1. TIE: "Never put off until tomorrow what can be done today"/"Actions speak louder than words." Part 2 is in regards to entries 10-2. None of the fluffy words and fun little anecdotes matter if I don't put the thoughts into action. Which I fully intend to. Starting tomorrow.

Am I The Only One Who...

Do you ever think about the strange, idiosyncratic behaviors you partake in every day and wonder if you're alone? Are you the only one who does these things? Typically, these are exactly the types of behavior about which one stays secretive, but because I'm brave (and I know of only one person who is following my blog, and he happens to see me do these things every day), I'm going to put 10 of my personal odd behaviors out there in the hopes that I am not alone.

Am I the only one who...

1. ...picks up and cuddles my cats after seeing one of those awful, emotionally manipulative ASPCA commercials?


2. ...peels grapes?


3. ...feels guilty about watching crappy reality shows like The Bachelorette and Keeping Up with the Kardashians, as well as the resulting schadenfreude when the lives of those fame-whoring people ultimately blow up in their faces?

4. ...sometimes YouTube's the most random things, like old music videos from the 90's or SchoolHouse Rock clips, when there doesn't appear to be anything better to do?

5. ...uses YouTube as a verb? I don't know if this has caught on the way the verb "google" has...

6. ...will go back and re-write an exceedingly long text message or e-mail from scratch when it doesn't come out exactly the way my right brain says it should?

7. ...still occasionally (and by that I mean seldom) buys fat-free potato chips made with Olestra?

8. ...will overload my arms and hands with grocery or other bags upon returning from a shopping trip, to the point that I'm practically opening my door with my teeth, rather than make a second trip?

9. ...randomly and irrationally fears that a freak accident will occur at any moment after spending an extended period of time on an expressway?

10. ...wishes a documentary film-maker followed me around for a day (or more), a la The Office?

Oh, really? Just me? Whelp...okay, then.