My Day in 10 Random Thoughts or Less (But Probably 10).

10. Why on Earth did I get a membership form and CARDS, FOR GOD'S SAKE, CARDS! for AARP? Why? I know I'm currently unemployed and thus frequently wondering where my next cheap cup of coffee is going to come from, and I'm also no longer a student and don't have that fabulous discount benefit any longer (although MSU student ID cards have no expiration date...tee-hee), but really? AARP? Whose sick, hilarious joke was this? I just turned 28 a few weeks ago. 28! You know how people say they have socks and underwear and other random and embarrassing forms of undergarment that are older than so and so and such and such? Well, AARP, I have socks younger than the piece of paper on which you printed my membership application. Riddle me that!

9. Why is everyone in such a tizzy about Chelsea Clinton's wedding? Her father was only sort of President and that was over 10 years ago, right? I don't recall this much interest in Jenna Bush's nuptials and she was a.) more recently a First Daughter and b.) kind of a walking shit-show during her father's duration as our nation's leader, while Chelsea was relatively boring and achingly toothy. However, I must say I can kind of see the appeal for her future hubby in that Bill Clinton seems like he'd be a positively bad-ass father-in-law. One of those that would take you out to upscale lounges to sip a few fingers of Johnny Walker Blue Label after a fight over finances with his little girl. Which would *almost* make up for having Hillary Rodham Clinton as your mother-in-law. [Shudder].

8. Is everyone around me really a Russian spy? Seriously. This movie makes me distrust a.) anyone who is almost inhumanly attractive (see above) and b.) anyone else for that matter. Plus, movies like this make me wonder what films the president sees for his own entertainment, since all of the coolest movies involves terrorism, plots to kill the president, or both, and I'm sure that pretty much sucks out any potential viewing pleasure for the sitting Commander in Chief. Sucks for him, of course, since those, of course, are usually the best movies ( i.e. Air Force Once, JFK, Die Hard). By my calculations, that means the poor president is left with swill like Step Up To The Streets and Bride Wars, since that's basically all that's left. I think I have new perspective on why our nation is in shambles. Which I won't expound on, since I am fairly certain my computer is wiretapped.

7. No pun intended, but is just about everyone and their mom pregnant these days? I know that the occurrence of visible buns in the ovens increases around this time of year, as everyone was busy knocking boots about 4-8 months ago in a feeble attempt to stay warm and entertained. But Holy hell, women be pregnant lately. Hmm...I wonder if this latest surge in pregnancies is related to a plot to create a united band of Russian spies and vigilantes who will finally succeed in making Russia the political and financial powerhouse she alw- nevermind. On a lighter note, how sweet is the anatomical accuracy of this Barbie doll? I mean, the baby is upside down and everything.

6. This actually happened. Yes, this is in fact the "cast" of Jersey Shore ringing the opening bell at the NYSE a few days ago. And we wonder why everybody hates us, America. Of course, we see the inevitable connection. Viacom owns MTV and, thus by default, this motley crew of tans and hair poofs and the deceptively human-like wax figures to which they're attached. This amuses me almost as much as that time years ago when Britney Spears said on some late-night talk show that as Americans, it is our job to put blind faith in our president and trust every decision he/she makes without remark or question (although mark my words, she didn't phrase is quite in that manner; there had to be a "y'all" or a "cheetos" in there somewhere). Which leads me to my next random thought...

5. Snooki was arrested today for public intoxication, which is odd to me, because I wouldn't even begin to know how to detect drunkenness in an Oompa Loompa/ muppet hybrid creature. Does it just make some odd gurgling noise and begin to shed uncontrollably? Does it turn an even orangier shade of orange? Does it begin acting wildly out of character by donning cashmere turtlenecks and refusing sex with men whose names end in "-ezzi," "-anni," and "-olo"? Hmph.

4. Since this posting might seem oddly riddled with anti-American sentiments (I just sort of noticed this and swear it is purely incidental and for comedic purposes only), I need to share just one small thing that is currently right with this country. And there he is. [Swoon].

3. Now, lets discuss something perfectly fun and American: Mexican food, namely fajitas. I had these for dinner tonight with my friend Julie at a corporate establishment for which I was formerly employed and wish not to mention, on her recommendation. This is after many unnecessary minutes spent picking apart the menu for anything not covered in any combination of cheese, bacon, and a breaded coating, yet refusing to settle for a simple, undressed salad. Guess what chicken fajitas are when you skip the flour tortillas? They're a sizzling plate of grilled chicken and vegetables, and they're out of this world. This is a great suggestion for would-be healthy eaters looking for creative ideas that don't involve a bajillion modifications and saying "on the side" more times than Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally. What's nice about fajitas is that all the fixings already come on the side, so you can dip your fork in a bit of heart-healthy guacamole before spearing a slice of chicken for an added flavor punch, and skip the cheese if you just don't find it necessary (which tonight, I did not). Word to Julie for this fabulous recommendation. The worst thing about this meal was the bit of oil in which the meat and veggies were sauteed, and most of that was left on the plate anyway. I didn't even finish my meal and was thoroughly stuffed and satisfied.

2. This. Okay, before you think I'm a closet lesbian or now suddenly blond and a DD cup, I must tell you that this is the "bikini teacher" and I found this picture after conducting a Google Image search for "teaching job," since this list of my random thoughts for the day would be seriously inadequate without mention of the one thing I've thought about every day since, oh, May. Yes, THIS was the fourth result that came up on a Google Image search for "teaching job." I just ask that before you close this page to go elsewhere and verify the veracity of what I've just said (and I assure you, it is very much verace), you finish reading this posting. On a side note, maybe this is why I have yet to find a teaching job.

1. This is actually the first result of a Google Image result for "teaching job," which you probably already know because you probably opened a new window after reading number 2 and did the search yourself just to verify the veracity of what I said about that picture (totally verace, right?) But I must end on a serious note. Yes, I thought of teaching jobs today. It was a resplendent day filled with sleeping late, reading, an hour-long phone call with my mother, grocery shopping and the subsequent individual packaging of fourteen enormous chicken breasts purchased at $1.99 a pound, and ending with dinner and a movie with a good friend. And yet, I still thought about teaching jobs. If this photo is any indication, "bikini teacher" is irrelevant and I actually have yet to find the "teaching job of [my] dreams" because I have not read this snazzy book/pamphlet/leaflet which was apparently penned in crayon by either Picasso or a first-grader. Go figure. I can only imagine what is contained in this previously untapped resource:

Chapter 1: "Candy and Balloons and Strippers: How to Win Over The Finickiest Of Principals."

Beverly Cleary? Is That You Crying in Agony?

Imagine my simultaneous delight and skepticism when a recent scan of IMDB.com revealed that one of the Beverly Cleary "Ramona" books that I adored as a child is now also a movie, Ramona and Beezus. Isn't this always how we feel when we hear that one of our favorite written works is being made into a film? You get that little leap in your stomach ("Yay! I wonder who they cast in the role of ___________!"), which is immediately tempered with the dread that, as is typically the case, the film will in no way live up to its literary predecessor ("What? They cast Keira Knightley?! Good luck finding a corset to fit around a 4 inch waist!") Yes, that was a nod to Pride and Prejudice, and I still have yet to see the 2005 remake, Oscar nomination be damned. 

So, what do I do? I check the cast list. Usually, you can tell a lot about the movie before its released just by checking out the cast, and suffice it to say my skepticism is about to swallow my delight whole. When I read the books 20+ years ago, I imagined Ramona Quimby as a perpetually ruffled pip-squeak in mismatched clothes. You know, since this is how she was written. Apparently, she is to be portrayed by a child newcomer by the name of Joey King. That works. There's reason for hope. I'm just glad this won't be a vehicle for the practically elderly Abigail Breslin (as Ramona), who is superb but is really getting too old to play itty bitty wittle girls at this point.

The casting of an unknown in one of the two titular roles is the basis of the last shred of hope I hang on to that this movie won't be a big ol' joke, the reasons for which I will reveal below. A movie to be well-received almost entirely by a generation who will likely never hear of the books, never read the books, and will therefore always and most unfortunately associate the names "Ramona" and "Beezus" with a movie and not books.

Rounding out the cast:

Selena Gomez as Beezus: One of the young "It" Disney tween-cesses, her biggest claim to fame of late is having dated a Jonas Brother and playing an adorable, if not strikingly nubile, TV witch. THIS is Beezus? She of the relatable angst, the perfect embodiment of pubescent brattiness and begrudging sisterly love? Sad. Plus, Beezus was anywhere from 11-14 if I recall, depending on what book you were reading. Selena Gomez is 18 years old. [Insert me throwing a Ramona-esque tantrum at this casting travesty]. My choice: Abigail Breslin. In this role, she'd no doubt be perfection.

John Corbett as Bob Quimby: While normally, it would be with glee that I'd get to see one of my favorite underrated actors and Applebee's spokesmen on screen again, John Corbett, as Ramona Quimby's father, just seems wrong to me. Please, make out with SJP in another crapular Sex and the City movie! I'll see it any day (and I mean that literally...those movies are only worthy of matinee prices). But you are simply too gallant, too sexy, too rugged to be the affable, harried father of the best 8-year-old ever written. I know they call it acting, but we can only suspend our disbelief so much. My choice: Ed Helms. Warm and funny, yet still a bit of eye candy for the Mom crowd.

Bridget Moynahan as Dorothy Quimby: Don't get me started. My choice: Sandra Bullock. Yes, a hottie, but she can be made down a bit, and The Blind Side proved she's got the Mom chops.

Ginnifer Goodwin as Aunt Bea: In case anyone has forgotten, Aunt Bea is Ramona's favorite relative! She loves her Aunt Bea! Her Aunt Bea is much cooler than her dad, much calmer than her mom, and she's sh*tloads of fun (not a direct quote from Ramona). Ginnifer Goodwin, best known for her fantastic work on Big Love, has lately been filling the Farrow-esque "gamine" vacancy left by Michelle Williams. She might actually be a good match, if not a little younger than I imagine. But then, the hip younger sister to Bridget Moynahan's character is undoubtedly a tough role to cast. My choice: Maggie Gyllenhaal. This role probably doesn't call for Gyllenhaalian acting chops, but with her oddball style and warm smile, she'd nail this.

Josh Duhamel as Uncle Hobart: [See "Bridget Moynahan as Dorothy Quimby" for my reaction.] My choice: Justin Long. Because if I was gonna cast one actor in the role of my cool, hip, young uncle, it'd be Justin Long. Especially since he's finally starting to look post-pubescent.

Admittedly, it may appear that my opinions regarding the casting choices for this movie are decidedly anti-hot people, and perhaps they are. But I'm sorry, I just can't imagine the likes of Bridget Moynahan, John Corbett, and Josh Duhamel taking up residence on Klickitat Street in Portland, Oregon - at least not without causing a major stir in the neighborhood. Finally, I think if Ramona and Beezus had matching MILF and DILF parents, Beverly Cleary would have made this a central cause of their childhood stress. Well, that and 13-going-on-19 hottie Beezus fighting Henry Huggins off with a stick.

Final thought? I'll Netflix this. Streaming.